Hey Woody! I know this may sound weird but I’m a straight woman who loves reading your column…

NEED WOOD Hey Woody!

I know this may sound weird but I’m a straight woman who loves reading your column.  You should see the faces of people when I’m at the bookstore as I paw through the paper to get to it.  Anyway, I was talking with a girlfriend who’s pretty ignorant about the male anatomy.  For example, she said she loved “circumvented” men, and that she always gave in when they complained about being blackballed.  Each time she pulls one of these I just hang my head in shame.  So my question is will you print a sort of “lesson of male anatomy” for ignorant chicks who think they know it all?  I’d love to rip it out of the paper and stick it on her refrigerator.

—  A real queen

Dear Queen:

I don’t think it’s weird that straight women read this column.  What’s really weird is that gay men read it.  They’ve done everyone so they think they know everything. 

At any rate, I think women like getting sex advice from gay men for the same reason they like getting fashion advice from us:  They want to put something on that looks good and feels right.  That’s why I developed the penis cheat sheet titled, Do You Know D–k? 

1.  Only 6 percent of the male population needs extra-large rubbers, according to condom manufacturers.  In other words, 94% of men lie.

2.  The study most trusted by urologists shows that the average erect penis size is 5.1 inches long and 4.8 inches in girth. Unless you’re in a chat room.  Then double it.

3.  About 80% of American men are circumcised even though the American Academy of Pediatrics says it’s not medically necessary.  No word on why men insist on cutting something they’re always exaggerating about.

4.  Men really do get “blue-balls.” Technically called “Prostatic Congestion,” the achiness in his testicles is caused by “trapped” blood. You know that crap he lays on you about orgasms being the only way to relieve it?  He’s right.  But not so fast, trampolina.  So is your doctor.  The one who says a warm shower or aspirin will also do the trick.

5.  Penises are generally darker in color than the bodies they hang from.  Why?  It’s part of the sexual maturation process, but it’s also because during puberty Nature introduces men to a special friend—their right hand.  As Mr. Nice To Meet You, Too, You Can Let Go Now will tell anybody who’ll listen, your skin would darken too if you were manhandled that often.   

6.  There is no correlation between penis size and shoe size, hand size or nose size.  And the bad news is even worse for gold-digging nymphos:  There’s no correlation between penis size and wallet size.

7.  Masturbation, or “punching the monkey,” is healthy. No, really. “Use it or lose it” isn’t just an excuse for a guy’s hands to migrate south; it’s the official tested and studied conclusion of sex experts. The less a guy uses his sexual plumbing, the more problems he’ll have pumping the well later on.  It’s only at Thanksgiving that you should tell your man, “Don’t play with your meat.”

Download Woody’s new ebook, How To Bottom Without Pain Or Stains at


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